I write this with internal defiance; it is something I have not talked about beyond a small circle of friends, something I have wrestled with internally for many years. But putting my feelings in words has always helped me sort out my psychological problems, and I hope it will now.
Honestly, I cannot remember when it started. I have always had sensitive senses; socks used to drive me to fits, mild salsa caused me to writhe in pain calling for water, and I could (and still can) hear the vibration of a cell phone from inside a purse from yards away and I can hear if an ipod is on when it is very far from my ear. The super sensitive hearing is my favorite; useful and it makes me a very skillful eavesdropper. Then again, too much noise gives my brain an overload and I freak out. I have always been very, very ticklish as well. But plenty of people are like that, right?
As I entered middle school, and especially high school, I noticed something. My peers seemed to need touch to verify their surroundings; sitting on each others laps, hugging, holding hands, linking arms, and just leaning on each others shoulders. Typical touchy-feely teenage stuff. But this stuff made me feel uncomfortable, not just in the emotional sense, but physically. Normal, everyday touch made me jump away in pain or shock. And it seemed to grow, or maybe I just noticed it more. I hate social dancing, the closeness and the bumping and the touching of the hips. I cannot do it.
I HATE hugs. I don’t want to seem rude when I see people I haven’t seen in a while or when I leave places, but I try and avoid hugs at all costs. When I do hug, I find it uncomfortable and empty. I will very, very rarely hug even my best friends. I keep telling myself that when I find the right person for me, I will no longer shrink away. But I’m beginning to doubt that; I don’t even like touching my best friends, people who I’ve known forever, people who see me run around in my underwear all the time. I don’t know where this stems from and I don’t know how to fix it. To add onto this, being thrown into a new social setting has caused me to experience social anxiety attacks. It has happened three times during school, and made me feel small and empty and crazed and filled with thoughts in my brain and very very warm.
I only hope that one day this will sort itself out and everything will make sense.